I recently attended
the Giorgio Gucci Celebrity Charity Gala at The Pierre Hotel presented by
Emperors Brand and sponsored by The Luxury Marketing Council, Chance TV,
Bentley, and Rolls Royce. The glitter of this mouthful alone is intoxicating to
those who don’t flinch at the sight of tiaras and pearls that would put
Cleopatra to shame. Her Majesty, Elizabeth the Second, Queen of England and of sundry other Realms and Territories, was told to go home and
change into something more expensive.
To give a quick
impression of the magnitude of this event: his Holiness the Pope was giving out
the numbered tickets at the coat check. In short the Gucci gala was almost as
glittery as the bar mitzvah for the Liebkowitz kid.
If you’re a
debutante when it comes to crashing a charity event, here are some tips:
Look relaxed, as if
you’re not even worried about footing the bill for your mother's kidney
Don't worry about
being a single at a couples-only event. Remember the glamour shots of Paris
Hilton, of the Williams sisters, of Helen Keller in front of the Eiffel Tower?
They’re alone. Even if there are hoards of people in the pic, you only see the
If your pic gets
into the papers as you stand there alone at a gala, you’ll surge to celebrity
status quicker than if you were just the decoration on the arm of some ancient, drugged-out,
The purpose of a
charity gala is to mingle with the filthy rich. If you actually support the
charity or are encumbered by such things as life goals, ideals, or a sense of social responsibility,
then I suggest you accessorize your outfit with a semi-automatic assault weapon
or at least a Molotov cocktail.
Spray glue to hold
your wig down is out.
Wear your heart on
your sleeve, and your spanx on your pants.
Be a card-carrying
member at the charity gala. If you see someone from your checkered past
whom you don't want to meet, open your card and fan yourself, hiding your face
or your cleavage, depending on which they’ll find more memorable.
Dress length: any
length. Negative lengths are out, and a long gown should be allowed to fall
down toward the floor, not upward to the ceiling.
Cheeky makeup that
pouts the lips and furry furrows on the brows is only allowed on Margaux Hemingway. Use your make-up kit sparingly. There is always another tomorrow;
the next day, too, so no need to plaster the whole kit on yourself in one shot.
On the other hand, some women do pack a paintball gun to these affairs to re-apply
make-up more quickly.
There is no ending
to charity galas. There will always be poor. There will always be rich. And
there will always be in-between. Styles change, governments change,
constitutions change, but one thing never changes: I’ll never be rich or famous,
not from writing pieces like this.
Andrew Szemeredy is native to Hungary. He immigrated to
Canada in 1972 when he was 18, and since then many interesting and varied
things happened to him, many of which he precipitated by being his natural self.
See Brian Henry’s
schedulehere, including writing workshops and
creative writing courses in Algonquin Park, Bolton, Barrie, Brampton,
Burlington, Caledon, Georgetown, Guelph, Hamilton, Ingersoll, Kingston, Kitchener, London, Midland, Mississauga, Oakville, Ottawa, Peterborough, St. Catharines, Saint John, NB, Sudbury, Thessalon, Toronto, Windsor, Woodstock, Halton, Kitchener-Waterloo, Muskoka, Peel, Simcoe, York Region, the GTA, Ontario and beyond.