“The Perfect Solution” by Mary Rabot

Want to know a sure-fire way to drive customers out of your store? Especially older folks with lots of disposable income?

Just have loud, non-stop rap or hard rock music blaring throughout the premises. Make it next to impossible to shout above the din. That discourages both questions and complaints – also sales.

Want to discourage return customers to your highly regarded gourmet restaurant?

Just hire a local band playing any kind of music at top decibel while diners try to talk over the din. Your guests will battle on for a while but then resort to sign language, facial grimaces, and finally silence before retreating to texting each other on their smart phones.

Want to see guests leave early from the gorgeous wedding or anniversary celebration you carefully planned for months?

Simply hire the band from the gourmet restaurant to come and play at the festivities--and have them play as usual at a high decibel level.

Half the guests will find excuses to leave early – guaranteed!

Later you might find them across the street at Starbucks trying to recover.

Want to bring a contentious community meeting to a swift closure while not aggravating committee members?

Arrange the meeting at a community center, and arrange for the local band to come and practice next door to the meeting. Pay the players if you need to – it's worth the cost! Make sure there are no other rooms for the band's practice except the one next to your meeting.

Before you know it, everyone will be so irritated by the loud music they’ll be eager to adjourn.

These are just a few sure-fire tips to get rid of customers, diners, guests, and committee members. They are guaranteed to work without fail.

So let's make noise pollution the perfect solution for you!

Mary Rabot doesn’t have any prior writing experience to report. She’s found Brian’s workshops helpful and is trying to learn good writing skills so she might be able to tell a couple of stories she’s thought about for years. Mary lives in Mississauga and is semi-retired from her work in healthcare management.

See Brian Henry’s schedule here, including writing workshops and creative writing courses in Algonquin Park, Bolton, Barrie, Brampton, Burlington, Caledon, Georgetown, Guelph, Hamilton, Ingersoll, Kingston, Kitchener, London, Midland, Mississauga, Oakville, Ottawa, Peterborough, St. Catharines, St. John, NB, Sudbury, Thessalon, Toronto, Windsor, Woodstock, Halton, Kitchener-Waterloo, Muskoka, Peel, Simcoe, York Region, the GTA, Ontario and beyond.