“Childfree” by Alison White

 

There’s a common misconception that women who choose not to have children are unhappy. Or perhaps they have something wrong with them physically or mentally.  I have often been asked why I never had children, oftentimes with a look of bewilderment, rarely with genuine curiosity.

Society has conditioned us to think that women who are childless cannot be fulfilled or happy. I read an article in the Guardian eight years ago about Pope Francis calling people who don’t want children selfish. I’ve also heard the arguments that children are the future and we need to procreate. But do we all need to procreate? Perhaps there are enough people having children, perhaps too many, and I’m actually doing the world a favour.   

I have never given anyone a clear answer because I never really made a conscious decision not to have children, nor did I long for them. This is a difficult concept to explain to others, but it’s a reality that I am comfortable with.

My reasons for not having children stem from timing and circumstance.  During my first marriage, at the age of 23, I assumed having children was inevitable. I married an Italian with a big family, and let’s just say it was somewhat expected that we would have children, though we never actually discussed it. Unfortunately, we divorced five years later - possibly a lack of communication had something to do with it. At the age of 27, I moved back home with my parents for a while to figure out my next move and then moved into my place, and started my life over.

I began dating and stayed in two more short-term relationships over the next few years but neither of them was ready to move forward, and I wasn’t ready either. Thus, having children was no longer a priority for me. I was focused on building my career, traveling, and taking night school courses. I gradually began to prioritize those aspects of my life and enjoyed my independence.  

Additionally, I started teaching aerobics and taking an interest in learning more about fitness. That's how I met my now husband. He used to walk by the room I was teaching and flash a smile at me as he pretended to need a sip of water from the fountain. The fitness class began teasing me about this since there was an obvious flirtation happening.

Eventually, we became friends and started hanging out with a group of people from the gym, going for drinks on a Friday night after a really good workout. He would come over to my apartment, we would watch TV, order pizza, or play cards. It was nice not to feel pressured into a relationship, but there was an obvious attraction that neither of us wanted to admit. 

We have a four-year age difference, which wasn’t a big deal, but he didn't seem ready to take our relationship to the next level. Mostly, I was okay with that. Both of us were working on different things at different times, and we had so much fun together. It was effortless.

Eventually, our friendship evolved into something more, in Las Vegas of all places. He invited me to join him at his dad’s wedding. Never having been to Vegas, and since he was covering the expenses, I accepted the offer with excitement. It's hard to say whether it was the glittering lights, his Dad’s fun Elvis-themed wedding, or simply being together in a new place. When he held my hand and told me he wanted to be more than friends I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness and contentment, knowing that we would be okay no matter where life took us from there.

During conversations we discussed the possibility of having children, our goals and desires, and how much we enjoyed each other's company. We concluded that we were okay with just the two of us and decided to focus on our mutual love of travel and exploring new places.

Shortly after moving in together, we attended a dinner party with some of his friends. When the men went to watch a football game in another room I was left with the women at the table, whom I didn’t know very well at all. As they shared experiences and talked about their children I remained quiet. One of the women looked at me and asked “Do you have children?”  when I responded, “No,” there was silence as awkwardness filled the room. 

I suddenly felt the urge to join the men to avoid the inevitable questions around when or why or comments like “Don’t worry you have lots of time” or “You and your partner will have great-looking kids!” 

I’m always amazed at the assumption that women’s ultimate goal in life is to have children.

As I’ve grown older, people don’t often ask me about having children. However, there are still times when people are confused and there is a brief moment of awkwardness. I usually respond by simply stating we chose not to have children, which has allowed us to travel and enjoy our life together.

I remain in awe of my family and my friends and their incredible ability to juggle all the responsibilities of life while raising children, especially during the roller-coaster teenage years. I say this because I remember what I put my parents through during that same period! 

Sometimes I find myself wondering what kind of mother I would have been. I think I might have been an anxious one as I tend to worry, a trait I inherited from my mom. I secretly wish I could have given my parents their first grandchild, or any grandchild in any order – it would have been a great gift to them. Fortunately, they have two amazing grandchildren courtesy of my brother and his lovely wife. On my husband's side, we have two nephews and, on my side, we have a nephew and niece. I am grateful for the opportunity to be the best aunt I can be to them and I love them deeply.

Perhaps I would have made a pretty good mother after all – but I’m content with how things turned out.

***

Alison White is a professional sales and marketing leader who is semi-retired. In her free time, Alison enjoys volunteering and has served on an advisory board for women in leadership organization, as well as patient and family program committees for Unity Health in Toronto. Currently, Alison is pursuing her passion for writing personal stories.

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