“Growing younger for $112/month” by Brian Henry

How did it happen? Somehow, from one day to the next, I’d suddenly become old. I’d reached the inevitable tipping point I’d known was in my future much sooner than I’d expected, and I hadn’t just reached it; I’d fallen over the edge and slid halfway down the slope on the other side. 

I’d had nagging issues: moderate bone loss, mild anemia, and occasional depression, but while depression wasn’t a welcome guest, it didn’t hang around.

I did the healthy stuff: ate well, took a brisk daily walk, and I climbed walls – literally, at a climbing gym.

True, I couldn’t keep climbing forever. A day lay in wait when the frailty of age would outpace how quickly I could improve my skill. But before hitting that tipping point, I hoped to level up from climbs rated 5.11 (hard intermediate) to climbs rated 5.12 (advanced).

Then about a year ago, arthritis struck the middle finger of my left hand. Pain obliged me to climb basically one-handed, able to use my left hand to balance myself, but not to clutch a hold, not to pull myself up or over or close into the wall.

I felt old.

A general fatigue that had been creeping up suddenly overtook me in a rush. The hours in a day in which I could act with my normal vigour shrank, and outside that shrinking circle, I was exhausted. Listless. And for no reason, I’d get bouts of heart-clutching anxiety.

Through the winter, my mood matched the gloomy weather. I experienced bouts of disassociation, with me on one side of a grey curtain, everyone else on the other side; me able to act normal, but feeling cut off.

Maybe I should see someone about this, I thought. Fortunately, as it turned out, that seemed like too much effort.

Eventually, I told my wife I had to cut back on work. “Not to worry,” I added. “I have a plan.”

I’d keep doing the work I love most – the creative writing classes I teach and the manuscripts I critique – but I’d let my Blogspot and Substack postings get spotty, I’d take an extra week off between the winter and spring sessions, and I’d trudge forward one season at a time.

A long-awaited appointment with a rheumatologist brought a medical miracle – an injection into my knuckle, and I could climb again without lightning bolts of pain.

This didn’t cheer me up, not as much as I told myself it ought to. My finger was never going to be 100%, arthritis could cripple me at any time, and I’d never get back to where I’d been as a climber after all those lost months.

I still felt I was on a long slide toward … I didn’t know what. Maybe to not being able to get out of bed in the morning.

Then miracle number 2. I heard a radio program about low testosterone. Loss of libido is the obvious symptom, but for men, that’s also the best-known symptom of just getting older. However, I learned low testosterone also causes fatigue. Hmm.

I consulted Dr. Google. Other symptoms include bone loss, anemia, depression, and anxiety. Check, check, check, and check. My family doctor arranged a blood test, which confirmed my diagnosis. 

A testosterone prescription began working within days. My energy level climbed. My depression lifted. Looking back, I realize I hadn’t known how depressed I was. I’d forgotten what normal felt like. 

My libido also rose from the grave. And I’m hungry – that was a surprise! But while I’m eating more, I’m not gaining weight. Apparently, my metabolism has kicked up a notch.

How’s the anemia and bone loss doing? Well, I’ll have to wait and see – at least three months for the anemia and at least six months for the bone density.

It’s my good fortune I was too listless to see a specialist about the depression. A psychiatrist friend tells me testosterone is something family doctors prescribe, not something in her black bag.

A psychiatrist might have prescribed an anti-depressant, which might have worked – but only for the depression, though on the plus side, the Ontario Drug Benefit (ODP), which pays for prescriptions for those of us over 65, would have covered the cost.

For an effective prescription, for testosterone, I need to pay out of pocket.

If you have low testosterone as a result of HIV, hypothalamic, pituitary, or testicular disease, ODP will cover it, but if you’re just continually exhausted, depressed, and missing your sex drive, tough.

Men, it seems, are expected to grow grumpy with age.

But if you get really down, don’t worry. Ontario will put you out of your misery for free; OHIP fully covers Medical Assistance in Dying.

I’m fortunate, though; I can afford $112.03 per month for a good quality of life.

As for the climbing, I’m back to routes rated 5.11, and I’m eyeing 5.12’s. I may actually be stronger than before. Testosterone does grow muscle mass. But growing stronger and leaner develops over months, not weeks. For now, I’m climbing better – and doing everything better – because I’ve exited a fog of fatigue and depression.

Physical decline still lies in my future, as it does for all of us. But for now, I’m back to my usual self and, week by week, growing physically younger.

***

Brian Henry is an editor, writer, and creative writing instructor living in Toronto. He publishes the Quick Brown Fox blog and Substack. He’d prefer not to grow old before his time.

P.S. Many thanks to Denisha for her editorial eye on this piece.

See Brian’s upcoming weekly writing classes, one-day workshops, and four-day retreats here.