Sunday, December 23, 2012

"A Day of Pain and Suffering" by Natalie Little

Sometimes, random encounters and chance youtube views are so exquisitely providential, one is simply forced to share with the world your good fortune.

I happened upon a video that tickled my funny bone last night. It was a 13 second clip of an actor performing as Hercules. He had clearly misinterpreted the script and proceeded to act out the stage directions. Watch it twice and then come right back…

Now, with this clip in mind, I will tell you about the horror of a day I just had.
I had four appointments. All were strategically scheduled....there was no chance involved. Why, you might ask, would anyone subject themselves to such a horror of a day? You've heard me say this a million times, go big or go home! Words to live by. So without further ado, let the games begin:

Appointment #1: Aqua Bootcamp. I walking into the pool area this morning expecting my usual take it easy Wednesday workout. There, standing on the platform in front of the pool, was none other than a young female whippersnapper, all decked out in Lululemon gear. After fifteen minutes of warm ups, she proceeded to inflict such torturous restrictions on my buttocks, I thought it would remain in a permanent spasm. "No Pain No Gain!" she yelled at me, over and over again.

Honestly does anybody in the world actually believe that? If I ever meet the idiot who coined that phrase, I'm going to stick my fingers in their eyes. Repeatedly! Whilst in the middle of an extended squat, Hercules suddenly popped into my head. I grit my teeth and whispered "DISAPPOINTED!!!"

The result was a fit of giggles that nearly caused me to test out the blue dye theory in the pool.

Appointment #2: Eyebrow waxing.  If I don't deal with my eyebrows, my whole eye lid would be an eyebrow. Brooke Shields is no match for the hairy gong show that frames my face. I avoid waxing like the plague. It is so painful, I actually nearly cry every time I have them done....and I've been having them done for years. Today, I had an older vietnamese lady taking hot wax to me. Each time she would rip back the wax, she would say, "bootiful."

The first time she said it, I giggled. The second time I fought the urge to reply, "DISAPPOINTED!!"

By the third strip, I was giggling so much, she actually said in a stern voice, "You stop dat. I gon make big mess and take off whole eyebrow."

This was the first time in my life I actually focused with an acute intensity on the physical pain being inflicted on me by an elderly woman from the far east. I only just managed to contain the laughing fit that erupted  as she left the room.

Appointment #3: Yearly Physical. Okay, I am aware that there are men reading this little blog who have no notion of the horrors awaiting a women in a doctor’s office. So, in the interest of propriety, I will expound with as much censure as I, Natalie Little, am able. (Brace yourself)

Firstly, the breast exam. Having a complete stranger fondling your breasts is never pleasant, but when that stranger takes it upon themselves to examine with such intensity as to rule out any unwanted lumps on your SPINE, the fondling is breath holding uncomfortable.

Secondly, the gynaecological exam. If I was ever so fortunate as to be a speaker at a medical school, I would have one very important piece of advice. Most women in the world do not like to be told to relax in a tense situation. When another human being is inserting a device that resemble a duck's bill and comes fitted with a crank into that woman's most intimate place, telling her to relax is the height of stupidity!

It was in the midst of that exact situation, listening to the crank, crank, crank of the duckbill...feeling like I was about to be split in two like a wishbone, Hercules again made his appearance. "DISAPPOINTED!" Well, let me tell you, the fit of giggles that threatened to turn the pool blue, now produced a less desirable result. When a female laughs, all kinds of muscles contract. ALL KINDS OF MUSCLES.

"Relax" said the doctor. "You need to relax," she said again as Hercules kept saying over and over in my mind, "this isn't my world..." Out shot the ducks bill. DISAPPOINTED!!
"Oh I'm so sorry!" I exclaimed, now collapsing into loud out-of-control laughter.

The doctor gave me a thin smile that said, "Pull it together! I have more important things to do than fiddle with your lady bits." I finally got myself under control by humming the Star Spangle Banner. Works every time. The rest of the appointment went off without a hitch, but once I was safely in my car on the way home, I let out a loud hysterical

Appointment # 4: Eye exams for myself and my two children. Two children in a doctors office is nightmare on a good day. Today, my children were like 2 little bulls in a china shop. No amount of threatening or pleading did anything to get them to sit on a spot and pretend to be the civilized children I am not raising. (I truly think civilized is overrated ...but does indeed come in handy when one is trying to make an impression).

 What made this situation more hysterical, was the fact that, on arrival, I had been given those pupil dilation drops used to rule out Glaucoma . So not only did I look like a basket case running around after my misbehaved children, I was doing so feeling like this...

After I left that horrid appointment an hour and a half later, I  simply got into the car with a couple of pizza slices; drove home; plonked the kids down in front of the TV with said pizza ... and crawled into bed for a 20 minutes reprieve.  I lay there in fetal position reflecting on my nightmare day. An overwhelming feeling of gratitude washed over me once I realized that I had spent a good portion of my day in fits of laughter ... all thanks to an actor, who couldn't read a script properly.

Next year, on my annually scheduled day of torture, I hope to have had such a providential encounter on the internet the night before all my pain and sufferings. Tonight as I climb into bed, my ass throbbing; good bits tender and eyebrows red and inflamed, I'm going to yawn and say with as much intensity as I can muster ..."DISAPPOINTED!!

Natalie Little is a 30-something wife, mommy, daughter, sister, and friend. Born in Zimbabwe and raised in south Africa, Natalie is a British national and Canadian citizen. (Top that!) Check out her blog, Little Bombastic, here.

See Brian Henry's schedule here, including writing workshops and creative writing courses in Kingston, Peterborough, Toronto, Mississauga, Brampton, Georgetown, Milton, Oakville, Burlington, St. Catharines, Hamilton, Dundas, Kitchener, Guelph, London, Woodstock, Orangeville, Newmarket, Barrie, Orillia, Gravenhurst, Sudbury, Muskoka, Peel, Halton, the GTA, Ontario and beyond.

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