Sunday, July 22, 2012

“Fifty Shades of Craigs” a short story by Barbara Fairhead

When I was just a maggot  I crawled onto the top of the frame of a William and Kate  engagement portrait in Elsie’s Tea Shoppe in Georgetown and have been there ever since.        Elsie was a demon with the swat and fly spray so life could be pretty dramatic, but on the whole, life at Elsie’s was pretty darned good. Sure, things got a bit hairy when she bought those stupid dispensers and got rid of the open sugar bowls, but however bad things got, there was always Elsie’s Triple Chocolate Fudge Cake, which everybody loved and nobody could finish, and Jeanie the waitress was pretty slow at bussing tables....
I spent my teenage pupa days watching the preparations for the Royal Wedding and emerged as a beautiful glossy house fly on the wedding day itself! One week later, I had produced an heir and sixty-three thousand spares. What had William and Kate achieved?  Clearly, they needed someone like me to explain the biological imperatives of life. But, to be fair, sometime the biological imperative can be confusing.  Sure, I understood my primary goal was to have lots of babies, and in order to achieve that goal, I needed to avoid all flyswatters, rolled up newspapers and green spray cans that said Raid.  However, there was one imperative I just couldn’t understand. Why this compulsion to stay alive until three o’clock on the third Tuesday of the month?
When Tuesday afternoon rolled round, there was quite a crowd sitting on top of William and Kate – 37 flies and twelve wasps.  We had all performed our dynastic duties and could relax and kick back, so why were we here?  Our biological imperatives were clearly messed up. Could it be global warming?
Tuesday afternoons were usually quiet at Elsie’s, so you can imagine the buzz of excitement when a truck, with Mario’s Property Services emblazoned on the sides, pulled up and a short round man in grey overalls came inside. He said a cheery hello and ordered four coffees and some fudge cake! All in a gorgeous Italian accent.
Oh yummy, I thought, as I rubbed several legs with glee.
“Sure thing, Mario”. Elsie dashed off to the kitchen.
Please, please, please come and sit at the big table in the corner, I thought. Yes! He was coming towards us so we could stay   on my picture frame.
The next one in was a short thin guy wearing slacks and a short-sleeved shirt, carrying a huge suitcase and a holdall. He looked around shyly. Mario gave him a cheery wave. “Over here.  I’m Mario, leader of our little group.”
Two more men joined them. One was in his thirties, tall, gangly and spotty. His white overalls had Bill embroidered on the front pocket.  The other man, Dave, was slim and good looking in a pepper-and-salt kind of way and was wearing a nice suit. Shame his face looked like he had swallowed a lemon. 
They all helped themselves to coffee and cake and opened up their laptops (so that’s what Wi-Fi is about) and logged on to Craig’s List – Personals – Miscellaneous Romance M4W. The new guy, Bob, introduced himself.  He had just got a divorce after 27 years of marriage.  The sex had been boring and he fancied a change. He’d heard about that new book, Fifty Shades of Grey and went to buy a copy at Chapters.
"You should have seen it. A bunch of women were fighting over themselves to get that book. I managed to get the last copy. They nearly killed me. It certainly told me where I’d been going wrong all these years. I went on line and got all kinds of stuff to drive women crazy. Tell me what you think of my ad”. Everybody scrolled down to...

“Pussy Doctor Role Play - m4w - 56 (GTA)So you are orgasm deprived and needy. The epicentre of your femininity is neglected and craves loving and satisfying attention. Consider a visit to Dr. P, who will provide the ultimate cure for what ails you -- orgasmic bliss. ...“Your session will include discussion about your sexuality and preferences... Expect vibrating instruments; dildos of all shapes and sizes ... Your erotic limits will be explored and possibly expanded, especially if you ride the famous Sybian orgasm machine until you collapse in quivering whimpering orgasmic bliss.

     “Any replies?” asked Dave
     “Not yet,” said Bob
     “Can we see what you’ve got in the bag?” asked Mario
     Bob unzipped the bag. Whips, cuffs, clamps, and all kinds of vibrators.
     “A word to the wise, Bob. Take all the wrappings off. You’d hate to be struggling with it if you get lucky. And what’s this Sybian orgasm machine.  It’s not you is it?” asked Bill
    “No, it’s in the suitcase. Would you like to see it? Bob volunteered
    Please, no, they all thought to themselves. There was much rolling of eyeballs.
    “Thanks Bob. We wish you the best of luck. Let us know if we can help,” Mario said graciously.  “OK Bill, show us your ad.” 

I know what you desire. You long to be taken, used, told what to do. You crave the touch of My hands, stroking your head, guiding the small of your back, patting your bottom, moving along your inner thigh... My hand coming down on your ass, spanking your round firm bottom till it tingles... . You want to hear Me whisper nasty things to you, make you say them, do them. To admit to Me, whispered in my ear, what you secretly long to do and say, if only someone would teach you, let you, make you. To be teased and tormented until… For you to wear My collar and leash and be My pet. To be tied to the bed and be My toy. To crawl and to be My slave... You are a horny little kitten who longs to have a Master teach you to be good little slut. I am ready to begin training a new pet. I will begin with the basics, teaching you to kneel, beg and obey your Master. Don’t even think of taking a breath without my permission.

It went awfully quiet, and the guys suddenly got very thirsty.
“Nice bold heading” commented Bob.
“So Bill, have you finally moved out of your mom’s basement? asked Mario.
“This ad working for you Bill? wondered Dave
“Actually, yes.  There’s   plenty of my kind of woman out there.’ Bill replied with pride.
“Glad to hear it. A lot of replies then?” asked Dave
            ‘‘Well, no, but that’s a good thing. You see, they are so submissive that they won’t reply to my ad until I give them permission.”
Next up was Dave, who had been working on a new ad…

Wealthy and horny (Brampton) … 56
Will not pay for sex... but might help out ?????

They all looked at the ad. It took about a second.

Wonderful, I thought. You can tell he’s in marketing.
I couldn’t wait to see how Mario would handle this one. He struck me as such a nice man.  Fortunately, Bill jumped straight in.
“Dave. You’re such a liar. You don’t even live in Brampton!”
“Well, nobody replied when I said Mississauga,” Dave huffed.
What a surprise.
“Well, good for you Dave, I wish you success. Now it’s my turn,” said Mario, with a smile.

ladies who needs a free handyman - m4w - 45 (gta)hi ladies who needs a free handyman to do those chores around the house very hot handyman 6pac very muscular, just barter for something sexy whatever it may be watching me in a sexy outfit or some hot adult fun, lets see what u need done. Will send pics on request ciao 

We all nearly fell off the picture frame we were laughing so hard... However, the atmosphere down below was very sombre.
“Humph. You should have asked me to help you with this ad,” sneered Dave
“The last six pack I saw you with was Labatt’s Blue” said Bill.
“Whose picture do you send them? asked Bob.
“My nephew’s” Mario replied
“So how do they react when they meet you?” wondered Bill
“Some laugh, some cry, some very angry,” admitted Mario
“I’m not surprised,” said Dave.
“But I get lot of dates,” Mario chuckled. “Short ones, though.”

Bill, Bob and Dave all glared at him. Dave straightened his tie.  “You’re just not taking this seriously,” he said in a frosty voice, “and we think you should resign as chairman.”
But wait a minute.   We were all confused. Wasn’t meeting women the whole point of the Tuesday group?
“I’m sorry you feel that way. Thanks for your help and good luck.”  Mario walked out of Elsie’s and drove off in his truck, to lots of new adventures no doubt. Well, good for him.
What a lovely man, gracious to the last, I thought. I have forty thousand daughters who would love to meet you.
Bob, Bill and Dave arranged to meet the following month, but that didn’t concern us. We wouldn’t   be around much longer. It would be up to future generations to find out if Bill, Bob and Dave ever got it together with a woman, but in the meantime, we had to hurry up and finish the fudge cake before Jeanie cleared it away.
Barb Fairhead came to Canada nearly two years ago with her husband, dog and two cats, to be closer to their daughters who live in Canada and the USA. She always wanted to write, but could never think of anything to write about until she started Brian’s courses, and now she can't stop!

See Brian Henry's upcoming weekly writing courses here. See his full schedule here, including writing workshops and creative writing courses in Kingston, Peterborough, Toronto, Mississauga, Brampton, Georgetown, Milton, Oakville, Burlington, St. Catharines, Hamilton, Dundas, Kitchener, Guelph, London, Woodstock, Orangeville, Newmarket, Barrie, Gravenhurst, Sudbury, Muskoka, Peel, Halton, the GTA, Ontario and beyond.

1 comment:

  1. Great story. I passed on the link to my single friends for their amusement. Thanks for posting it here - it was a bright spot in my day.


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